Nannan, I called you that afternoon and you asked me how long I remembered you. Actually, it’s not. Don’t you know what kind of good friends we are? I’m just being invaded by my nameless sadness again, but I hope you can be happy forever. Don’t be sad because of my trivial sadness.. So, you said, how do I tell you.   I remember what you said to me before you went to Xi ‘an, you said, show me the way. But Nannan, I let you down. Once again, I entered a state of chaos and confusion and sat down day after day to die. I also don’t know how I have become like this now. I am careful about everything, afraid of nothing, and then let many people worry about myself.. And this is not enough. I often lose my temper and hurt those who give warmth around me.. So, you said, how do I tell you.   I often feel numb is actually the worst state. It doesn’t matter whether you are sad or happy. You don’t have any interest in anything. You’re lax. And this is my current state of life. I don’t know from which day, I have also started to skip classes and go out with yoshiko to rent a novel or go to the internet bar for an hour with a little guilt.. I have repeatedly played the role that I did not like, and I have repeatedly done untimely things, but I have also been able to keep quiet.. So, you said, how do I tell you.   My mother is now disappointed or even desperate with my study. Every weekend when she comes home, her most common saying is: If she fails to pass the exam again this year, she will not marry a daughter-in-law and work hard at home.. On another occasion, she said to me, sometimes people can’t do it unless they accept your fate. Maybe that’s your fate. If I can’t get into college in my life, don’t try so hard.. I don’t blame her, everything is caused by me, and I can only blame myself for being unwillingly. I didn’t bring her the light she should have, nor did I bring even a little comfort to her increasingly tired heart.. I watched myself fall and fall day by day, but there was no way. So, you said, how do I tell you.   Recently, bad things have happened to me one after another.. First, I was beaten inexplicably that Saturday afternoon, and then my’ intersection’ coat was stolen from the dormitory again. Maybe you think this is a trivial matter that is not worth mentioning. Remember that you will always tell me that society is like this. Just be careful.. But I still feel sorry for the fact that there is no way to change it. I told myself not to cry, not to cry. You were already an adult, and then tears trickled down. So, you said, how do I tell you.   On April 29th my sister took me to the supermarket to buy clothes, two T – shirts and a pair of slacks, all famous brands. The next day she went to the market and bought me watermelon and peaches. I really can’t do anything to show gratitude for this. All I have is silent guilt and uneasiness in my heart.. While eating fruit in clothes, I have been thinking about when I can earn money. I really want to give up my study, which is now completely paralyzed, and go out to work alone to earn money in order to repay those who have been quietly paying for me.. But at the same time, all the Qian Qian days I have endured are meaningless. So, you said, how do I tell you.   That night, when I asked Ogawa’s phone number and birthday, he said to ask what they were doing. After that, everyone will gradually forget each other with their own lives. Now, the time and you and I talking and laughing together will slowly forget each other.. After hearing this answer, I feel very scared. I always tell yoshiko when I meet him again in the future and command him to tell him in general. don’t forget me in the future.. But it didn’t work, did it? I still can’t know exactly what our relationship is now, let alone the unpredictable future. So, you said, how do I tell you.   After being troubled by the problem of friendship, I started my silly ” experiment”. I suddenly wanted to find out what kind of relationship I had with my friends I thought was pure, or even whether it was pure or not. I began to ask them to do this for me and do that for me. When they were not satisfied, they lost their temper and felt that they were not good enough for themselves.. Can calm down and think carefully, how much have you done for each other? Friendship, originally don’t need to tolerate each other? Besides, isn’t this’ experiment’ itself already desecrating friendship?? Give up’ experiment’, but what way can I see the depth of friendship? I had to keep silent at the thought of later questioning.Because they are like broken beads in my mind, the thread used to clear my mind can no longer be found. So, you said, how do I tell you.   My life is actually like these words you see. It is chaotic, unconscious, decadent and even controlled by myself.. I always feel that someone seems to be manipulating my life and smiling at my every move.. I thought of Faye Wong’s participation in the Chess Bill. She sang in a lonely and empty voice: I am like a chess player, and I can’t come and go by myself..   So, you said, how do I tell you?